My Family Tree is a Willow

I am the oldest of 10 children…..sort of. My parents divorced when I was 14. At the time, my sister was 13, brother 9 and my sister 6. When I was 15 my dad met and married a woman who had 5 children. The number of boys now added up to 2. The 4 oldest, all girls, are within 20 months of each other.

It was as competitive and nasty as your imagination will allow you to go. I learned quite a bit in those frustrating years until I no longer had go there every other weekend. I resented my step-sisters announcing as the 4 of us walked through the door it was our turn to do the dishes – looking over toward the sink, it was mound of greasy, caked on pile of dishes. I resented my father’s wife boasting how well she raised 9 kids. I’m 16, practically and adult. She did NOT raise me. The lessons learned would serve me well in the not so distant future.

I was married briefly in my early, early 20’s. When I was 22 my mom announced she was pregnant! I had been trying for 1.5 years to be pregnant. All I could think of was right church Lord, wrong pew. I should have known better than second guessing that call. I then divorced at age 24 and thankfully childless.

I met my next and final husband at age 26 while working for an insurance company. The building was undergoing massive reconstruction and Terry was one of the contractors. Nice looking guy, didn’t have the construction “cleavage” thing going on. It didn’t take too long for the two of us to notice each other. What really clinched my attraction to this man was he had lost his job/company car, lost his house and had recently moved out of his childhood best friend/employer’s basement. Terry’s marriage had fallen apart 18 months earlier. At the time he was living in Nashua, NH with his wife and 2 young children. His ex-wife decided to move out on her own. At the time Terry was a sales rep. serving most of New England and on the road at least 3 nights a week. He lost all material things but was able to provide and care for his children. I thought - This man is a keeper.

Wendy, was 11 years old when we met. Very smart, kept the boys (Dad and brother) in line, picked up their messes and tried to handle the household chores like an adult. She was a straight A student. The age difference between Wendy and me is a mere 15 years and while I could have “conceivably” been her mom, my mom would have been more than a little upset.

Todd – had just turned 8. With Todd, you just pointed him in the direction you wanted and he would go. Todd struggled with school. He was a smart kid, avid reader and a very gifted artist. While Wendy effortlessly achieved A’s, Todd struggled to get C’s and B’s.

I had my family. Not how I had planned, but truly my family. They needed a mom, I needed kids and I knew this was for the long term. My 4 year old sister, Jennifer, joined us as often as possible on vacations, sledding, or the movies. To the outside world, we looked like the "all American family" 3 kids, spaced exactly 4 years apart.

When we were preparing for Wendy’s wedding in 1994, Pam and I were in my kitchen preparing the buffet menu together as all guests were either relatives or from out of town and would be visiting in between the rehearsal, wedding and Sunday morning departures. As Terry walked through the kitchen, he stopped, looked at the two of us and said: My ex-wife and my wife, in the kitchen, both with knives….I’m out of here.

Pam had a child with her husband in 1985 and 2 years later we had our daughter Alison. Pam passed away in 1999 at age 51. I was never more grateful then that the 3 of us worked out the visitations, birthdays, holidays, graduations, and weddings sharing the events together. Had we not, how could I have sincerely been able to console and grieve with them during their sudden loss?

At Pam’s funeral, Alison asked: Denise is Wendy and Todd’s sister, right? Right I answer. And Wendy and Todd are my brother and sister, right? Right again. Then Denise is my sister too. I answered, if you want her to be your sister, she’s your sister. Alison is 21 and Denise is 23 and when they do get together, they are sisters. Wendy has 2 boys who call me Oma as well as Wendy and my son-in-law. Oma is German for grandma, but what I find especially pleasing is Oma sounds like Oh Ma. It may have turned out different if Terry, Pam and I had not taken a firm stance yet still have the flexibility to compromise when it mattered in those younger years.

A willow tree has branches that are long and tangled. It takes some time to figure out exactly where they start, as though it matters. A willow provides shade from the heat of summer and is one of the first to sprout buds in the spring. A willow is a source of shelter and renewal. A willow is big and overwhelming, yet soft to the eye. Willow branches are strong yet blow gently in the wind.