Baby Steps to Apartments

The whole concept of raising children is so that eventually the child is self-sufficient. This child whom you've loved since the first fleeting thought "I think I might be pregnant." The mom, she's the first to know.

I wrote the following piece about 7 years ago when "A" was entering the teen years. I felt alone trying to balance when to challenge and when to "just let it go. wait for the bigger stuff."

"A" is in her second year of college. She just moved into her own apartment - out of the resident hall on campus. Residence halls still have an adult monitoring and making the rules. Off-campus housing does not. It's another growing pain for both of us. Mostly me and her dad. "A" has a new boyfriend we haven't met. Decent looking guy and they both look very happy. He's a serious student, so I depend on what I always have with her in the past. Trust. Trust is our foundation and it's solid. But it still is a difficult step. I'll quit babbling and print my journal entry from 1999.

WHERE’S THE MOMMY AND ME CLASSES NOW???
Remember the comparisons and pressures of whether or not your child was developing at a “normal” rate. Did she/he roll over yet? Did she/he cut their first tooth, unroll an entire roll of toilet paper, pull all the tupperware out, figure out how to place the geometric shapes in the ball? How many items did you loose this week being flushed down the toilet? Mine was up all night, just crying. Maybe it’s just “the growing pains”, the teething, not wanting to deal with the “mean” kid at daycare. There she was with pink frosting all over the front of her, in her hair and all over her mouth. I asked her “who had a little taste of the birthday cake?" ”Not me" was the response. Why are these little white lies so adorable? The “terrible twos”; “the curious threes”; the confirmation from friends, family, neighbors that your child is developing at “normal” rate is a great comfort. Knowing you were in good company was reassuring. There was also the good times at the playground, the first snowman built, going to the movies to see Disney’s Little Mermaid, reading PAT THE BUNNY and POOH. Did you get the sense these bonding moments would carry you and your child right up until they left for college? After all, we were building sound foundations for their growth and development.

Then the teenage years begin or if you have an early bloomer the tweener (ages 9-12) years. Did you get the “what planet are you from” look yet? You’ll know when you do. The tweener/teen believe everything that is theirs is theirs and everything of yours is theirs makeup, toolkits, food meant to last more than a week and it’s gone before you unpack it from the grocery store. Did she/he look you right in the eye and tell you a lie? Reminiscent of the birthday cake, but from this young person standing in front of you, it’s no longer adorable. Have you heard more excuses for being late, homework not done, can’t get off the phone ‘cause this is really important than you can possibly count?

My teen was up all night crying because she just doesn’t feel like she belongs anywhere. The “growing pains.” Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with “mean” kid in the lunch room that yells out nasty things to her, or the struggle with calculus, the same kids getting picked first for volleyball, or class president (same one EVERY year). She keeps asking “Mom, please don’t tell me high school is the best time of your life. If it is, I’m doomed.” You’ve heard the sound of pity from friends and family when you tell them you have a teenager at home. “Ahhhh, yeah, been there. Good luck.” Geesh, that didn’t sound encouraging at all. The bonding moments end up being you’ll meet each other at a designated time and spot at the mall, taxing them from here to there with explicit instructions to not utter a word and embarrass them. Family vacations now include a friend so they are not bored. The people from a few years ago express support with mumbled voices “hopefully we’ll all get through this.”

The truth is, there is no difference between the 2 year old and the 13 year old. At both times your child is looking for your guidance and support. Your teenager is using the same method of reassurance that worked a decade ago albeit slightly more sophisticated and imaginative. They are trying to figure out what their boundaries are again. Where they belong. Your teenager wants and needs your unconditional love, just like before. They are discovering the world around them and in the course of learning some of these lessons there is a mess to clean up. Literally and figuratively. Consider how you reacted when your two year old flushed the third non-flushable item down the toilet in the last day. Consider the 13 year old who is doing the laundry and puts 45 pounds of clothes in at once – hey it’s faster and uses less water! It is a time of discovery. Not just for your teen, but for you. Read a book together, whether it’s aloud or you discuss a book read in silence. Take long rides. No one can just leave. And talk and talk and talk. Ask questions that begin, “So tell me about….” And “What do you think about…..?” Don’t stop. Don’t give up. You did build a good foundation and it’s time to build the next floor.

If there is a group MOMMMMy and ME group for this age group, please let me know.

By the way, "A" called today. Wanted to know how much ricotta to use in lasagna. :-)